Monday, August 16, 2004



Ahhh yes, after only what feels like years it is time again for the Olympics. A time for the world to join together in harmony and peace to celebrate sports that no one seems to care about. Please, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that these sports are not hard to play. And I am definitely not saying the athletes who play these little known sports aren't buff. Because they are huge! The athletes I mean, especially the women. These women have muscles rippling and bulging all over their bodies trying hard to escape from a thin layer of lycra that is doing a very poor job of containing anything. Now I am sure that these outfits are designed for speed and performance in whatever sport they are participating in but it seems to me these suits would be the size of Post It note if they weren't wrapped around a body.

My wife and I watched the women's gymnastics last night and I was shocked. First at the fact that I was actually watching women's gymnastics and then at the fact that they call this "women's" gymnastics.

Clueless Male Announcer: This is Zhavnya Ripyorarmov from Romania and she is 12 years old.
Smart Sounding Female: Yes, she has trained for this event since she was in the womb and she is now performing on the impossibly skinny beam element.
Clueless Male Announcer: Well she has had trouble with this Smirnoff Triple Black Layout combo before and...
Smart Sounding Female: Oh no! Her pinky toe was off the beam on that last jump and the Judges have to take a mandatory 7/16ths of a point off her score or they can choose to hurl water balloons at her during her next event.
Clueless Male Announcer: I hope she can recover from that costly mistake. Here is the dismount...
Smart Sounding Female: And she steps back on the landing! Oh too bad, she is definitely not moving on to the finals and will probably be plagued with acne the rest of her life.

What kind of sport puts that insane amount of pressure on a 12 year old. I hope the most pressure my daughter is under at that age is whether Barbie should drive the Corvette or the Jeep.

So back to the original intent of this thought was the weird and intense sports that seem to surface at the Olympics. Badminton, Judo, Fencing, Pentathalon, Rowing, Hexathalon, synchronized parallel parking, and the 1000m mambo are all examples of sports that nobody ever hears of until the Olympics. I say lets boil down the Olympics to one big event where everybody competes at once and we give each country one big medal if they win. Maybe everybody should be forced to wear skin tight outfits including the coaches and refs... Hmmm maybe not.

Think about it... and stick the landing.